Happy

Through a mutual friend, I met someone a few months ago, who since then, has become a good friend. We could be sitting in my living room chatting, walking somewhere and he'll turn to me smile and say he's happy. I'll look at him, smile and say I'm glad he's happy and at the same time marvel at his ability to be in the moment, to feel happiness. And it's not that, I don't feel happiness, I do. I think it's more of a matter of recognizing and acknowledging happiness when it's felt and I don't do it as much as I should and perhaps, deep down, it might be something I'm hesitant to proclaim.

When I was 13 my family moved out west from suburban Pickering Ontario to Brandon, Manitoba. It was summer. The landscape harsh, desolate; both the land and the sky seemed never ending, and with it, it brought a feeling of isolation. We moved into a beautiful old character home on the corner of Victoria avenue and 4th street which still stands to this day. It had stained glass in the entranceway and original dark wood railings and trim. I credit this house for my love of architecture and character homes. Still, with an old house there's a lot of up-keep, repairs. There had been a leak onto some wiring, dangerous. My mom and I were standing in the kitchen. My mom upset turned to me and exclaimed, "You don't think anything bad can ever happen to this family?" I didn't respond. I just gazed up at her and in my mind wondered, can anything bad happen to us? Should it?  That moment popped into my head this week. Am I hesitant to express happiness out of suspicion, am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Undoubtedly, the move was difficult for my mother too and I can also blame catholicism but let's not go there, not quite yet.

I started a new teaching position last week. And of course, I've had friends ask me how it's going. Frankly, it's going quite well: the people are great, the children wonderful and the school set-up, classroom management style seem to jive with me. But why am I hesitant to say, yes, things are going well, I'm quite happy with the change? I am hesitant because somehow I don't want to jinx it. That, I've come to understand, is a silly notion. Could something stressful arise at work? Yes. Could things change? Yes. But everything changes, feeling arise, come and leave, things shift but a shift or change isn't a punishment, nothing is being taken away, it's simply the constant flux we live in.

At this moment, I know I'm lucky and dare I say, happy.