Driving while dreaming ...

I have, throughout my dreaming life, dreamt of me driving a car. The vehicles once were cars that I owned. A blue Plymouth Skylark I eventually gave the nick name “the beast” I had in my twenties is the vehicle that often presents itself in my dreams. In my dreams, I sometimes go down terrifying steep roads or up impossible inclines fearful the car will flip or roll back. Or I am unable to see properly. But a few, nights ago was my first crash. I was driving up a ramp, with a turn in the bend and was headed for the guard rail. I gasped and woke up with a start.

At night is when I feel my anxiety, my fear. It’s when I panic, wondering how am I going to change my life. It’s when I realize how much time has passed me by, and everything seems daunting. There does not seem to be one clear choice but rather a myriad of choices each posing their own less than ideal circumstance.  As I type this, it seems silly and rather conceited in a way to feel this way. The fact that I have the option to choose in itself should be celebrated. I think when you are depressed or unhappy but you are still able to function life feels more like a grind and it is more difficult to focus on what you do have.

Feeling muddled, unsure, indecisive is no stranger. It feels I have spent a good part of my life beginning in my thirties and onward wondering what my calling, my purpose is. Constantly seeking. An artist friend of mine painted a very colourful folk art picture of someone in a car and he wrote on it, “wherever you go, there you are.”

There’s the rub: here you are., wherever you are.

 I am overwhelmed and don’t know where to begin or how to break the patterns, the ongoing repetition, the same feelings the same thoughts and actions.

A neighbour who I sometimes go to coffee with says she puts all her faith in god. She trusts he will guide and look after her. Throwing my hands up in surrender - what relief! Here god, you take over.
It sounds too easy and I realize I am oversimplifying and that her surrender is deeply rooted in her faith. But maybe it is something I can try. What do I have to lose? I can dump it all on god. Or is it the simple act of letting go, not worrying and having faith all will unfold. Perhaps it is the “incessant thinking, analyzing” that is the culprit or part there of. Still, I can’t help but feel there is also significant healing I need to experience. So how does one dive deep?

I am no longer Lady Toronto. A decision I’ve come to regret, deeply regret. Now, with the insane rental market in Toronto, not to mention the expense of aftercare, I have been unceremoniously, like so many, exiled from a city I love. A little dramatic? Perhaps. Impossible to move back? Of course not. But with a wee one in toe it does make it more complicated.

Some decisions you make do have a ripple affect and consequently, can make you question your judgement and ultimately make you doubt yourself to your very core. That’s the position I find myself in. To be honest, indecision has been an unwanted companion in my life. That friend who makes you wonder why they want to spend time with you when they clearly sometimes seem to not even like you.

Periodically throughout the week, I will have flash backs to my previous life in Toronto. Some mundane. Just last week, I had a memory of me being in Longo’s somewhere close to the Harbourfront. A place I never went to. Just browsing. Maybe I was recalling the ease of movement I once had, the freedom to aimlessly wander a fancy grocery store. A silly reminder of my hubris. Other times the memories are more profound. The city humming, alive and somehow that vitality seeping its way into my bones.

Right now I am Lady Purgatory, or Lady Living-in-my-parents basement. It has taken its tole on my confidence, and consequently for the last 3 or 4 years (my god, it HAS been that long). I have been on hold. I have been unhappy and I am really stuck. Afraid to budge, afraid to make the wrong decision or and consequently I have made no decisions at all.

I have applied to school in Halifax were the cost of living is more reasonable while I still peruse Toronto apartments sent to me automatically right to my inbox. The thing is, I don’t really know anyone in Halifax. I would be starting over. I am not so much afraid of going at it alone. I just fear my son and I being alone. Starting again with trying to build friendships, play dates is daunting. How would it affect him? Thrust away from everything familiar? That is my real concern. Finances being the other. But I know I need to make a change. I have known for awhile but yet, here I am.