Driving while dreaming ...

I have, throughout my dreaming life, dreamt of me driving a car. The vehicles once were cars that I owned. A blue Plymouth Skylark I eventually gave the nick name “the beast” I had in my twenties is the vehicle that often presents itself in my dreams. In my dreams, I sometimes go down terrifying steep roads or up impossible inclines fearful the car will flip or roll back. Or I am unable to see properly. But a few, nights ago was my first crash. I was driving up a ramp, with a turn in the bend and was headed for the guard rail. I gasped and woke up with a start.

At night is when I feel my anxiety, my fear. It’s when I panic, wondering how am I going to change my life. It’s when I realize how much time has passed me by, and everything seems daunting. There does not seem to be one clear choice but rather a myriad of choices each posing their own less than ideal circumstance.  As I type this, it seems silly and rather conceited in a way to feel this way. The fact that I have the option to choose in itself should be celebrated. I think when you are depressed or unhappy but you are still able to function life feels more like a grind and it is more difficult to focus on what you do have.

Feeling muddled, unsure, indecisive is no stranger. It feels I have spent a good part of my life beginning in my thirties and onward wondering what my calling, my purpose is. Constantly seeking. An artist friend of mine painted a very colourful folk art picture of someone in a car and he wrote on it, “wherever you go, there you are.”

There’s the rub: here you are., wherever you are.

 I am overwhelmed and don’t know where to begin or how to break the patterns, the ongoing repetition, the same feelings the same thoughts and actions.

A neighbour who I sometimes go to coffee with says she puts all her faith in god. She trusts he will guide and look after her. Throwing my hands up in surrender - what relief! Here god, you take over.
It sounds too easy and I realize I am oversimplifying and that her surrender is deeply rooted in her faith. But maybe it is something I can try. What do I have to lose? I can dump it all on god. Or is it the simple act of letting go, not worrying and having faith all will unfold. Perhaps it is the “incessant thinking, analyzing” that is the culprit or part there of. Still, I can’t help but feel there is also significant healing I need to experience. So how does one dive deep?