I am no longer Lady Toronto. A decision I’ve come to regret, deeply regret. Now, with the insane rental market in Toronto, not to mention the expense of aftercare, I have been unceremoniously, like so many, exiled from a city I love. A little dramatic? Perhaps. Impossible to move back? Of course not. But with a wee one in toe it does make it more complicated.

Some decisions you make do have a ripple affect and consequently, can make you question your judgement and ultimately make you doubt yourself to your very core. That’s the position I find myself in. To be honest, indecision has been an unwanted companion in my life. That friend who makes you wonder why they want to spend time with you when they clearly sometimes seem to not even like you.

Periodically throughout the week, I will have flash backs to my previous life in Toronto. Some mundane. Just last week, I had a memory of me being in Longo’s somewhere close to the Harbourfront. A place I never went to. Just browsing. Maybe I was recalling the ease of movement I once had, the freedom to aimlessly wander a fancy grocery store. A silly reminder of my hubris. Other times the memories are more profound. The city humming, alive and somehow that vitality seeping its way into my bones.

Right now I am Lady Purgatory, or Lady Living-in-my-parents basement. It has taken its tole on my confidence, and consequently for the last 3 or 4 years (my god, it HAS been that long). I have been on hold. I have been unhappy and I am really stuck. Afraid to budge, afraid to make the wrong decision or and consequently I have made no decisions at all.

I have applied to school in Halifax were the cost of living is more reasonable while I still peruse Toronto apartments sent to me automatically right to my inbox. The thing is, I don’t really know anyone in Halifax. I would be starting over. I am not so much afraid of going at it alone. I just fear my son and I being alone. Starting again with trying to build friendships, play dates is daunting. How would it affect him? Thrust away from everything familiar? That is my real concern. Finances being the other. But I know I need to make a change. I have known for awhile but yet, here I am.